May. 17th, 2013

brushwolf: Icon created by ScaperDeage on DeviantArt (Default)
Here is something dumb to discuss;

I actually thought about wanting to write Brave fanfic set several years out from the movie - but I don't have the chops for it, and I know it.

Some of the setting grabbed me and here's where I know early medieval Ireland more than early medieval Scotland, because part of that is the idea that you have four corners of the land ruled by an An Ri. And Fergus the Bear King is this brawling populist leader, sure, but he's not exactly a great hands-on High King unless someone invades. It's not impossible to imagine that, outside of Elinor (the Queen) as a balance, he has some sort of Taoiseach, and as soon as either King or Queen dies, you now have the interplay of the Taoiseach with the remaining parent.

And Elinor's obviously from someplace not-the-clans, which suggests that she's, you guessed it, English. Presumably she's nobility. Presumably whatever family it is, has a lot of troops and might make alliances to any of the clans, a little like how historically, Macbeth was lawfully king but deposed with English force of arms backing their own candidate.

So you definitely have potential villains - a minister manipulating a grieving Fergus who has no idea how to govern in peacetime, and Elinor's family massing troops on the border, eager to support whoever they feel best serves English interests. Plus all three clans other than Dunbroch would have candidates interested in the throne.

Into this you have the two nobles united by arranged marriage - Merida, who'd make a good war-leader but who's thought of as less powerful thanks to gender, and Wee Dingwall, whose ineffective manner might cover bookish learning and the poise needed to keep his head low in literally murderous family politics (remember technically Dingwall was the winning suitor in the archery competition - so he has a valid claim to Dunbroch and becoming An Ri, but I don't think he's capable of actually leading in battle like Merida is).

These guys have archers, but do they form schiltrons?

What about the Gormenghast-like collection of witch's woodcarvings now cluttering up Caer Dunbroch?

I'm going to quit now, because the obvious next step is to suggest that a pseudo-Scotland with massive bears obviously has massive dire wolves and a "Black Watch" which guards the equivalent of a Hadrian's Wall, far beyond all the courtly backstabbing. I think that may have been done already.
brushwolf: Icon created by ScaperDeage on DeviantArt (Default)
Um, if I were a megalomaniac why would I ignore my fanatically loyal witches and order my fanatically loyal monks to suicide? #Beastmaster

SO EVIL THEY MADE A COW PREGGERS. Good way to smuggle babies out of the capital, but don't they have a hideout for safer evil? #Beastmaster

Dude your village is a very nice matte painting but it doesn't lie on the same plane as the rest of the landscape. #Beastmaster

Oh crap! Does anyone speak Low Ursine? Didn't anyone take Intermediate Grizzly in college? Uh... oh. Guess that's a yes. #Beastmaster

TAKE THIS THE KITHMAKER HOOK OF MY PEOPLE AND RIDE AS A LEADER AMONG M... naw just kidding. It's a hoe. Get to farmin' kid. #Beastmaster

"I was thinking if this new German shepherd dog works out of going to the academy.""But harvest is when I need you most, Luke." #Beastmaster

Oh crap the village propane supply just went up! (Most early medieval communities had one.) #Beastmaster

Then he finds that he can see through the eyes of a crow and with his newfound power seeks vengeance! Wait wrong movie. #Beastmaster

"There's nothing for me here. I wanna go with you to Alderaan and learn the ways of the Force." MASSIVE JOHN WILLIAMS MUSIC! #Beastmaster

Ok I'm making snide comments about this bad movie I'm watching at Starbucks don't cry about the way he carefully lays the dog to rest. Damn.

Your father's ferrets. An elegant mustellid, not so clumsy or random as a badger. #Beastmaster

Luuuuuke! Use the Force to levitate the ferret out of the swamp! #WaitWhatMovieIsThis #Beastmaster

So wait he uses his amazing warrior instincts to watch hot babes in secret rather than using his hawk-vision to do it? #Beastmaster

Dude so you use your ADORABLE CAT as a way to pick up chicks? Lame, man. Really not original. #Beastmaster

I'm just gonna stealth into their kitchen & ignore their fluorescent cocoons & not free their captives & check out their stew. #Beastmaster

Then he frees the boy from the cage, gaining a sneak-thief henchman who... uh. I guess that's gonna be some other movie eh? #Beastmaster

And at sundown, she transforms from a magnificent hawk into also a magnificent hawk! #Different80sMovie #Beastmaster

MOS EISLEY SPACEPORT! Luckily his spiffy eagle medallion indicates that his destiny is to rule the entire USPS. #Beastmaster

Dude. The "throw the kid in the fire" sequence they swiped wholesale from Aleksandr Nevskii. #Beastmaster

"Ancient and evil, he rules with an iron fist!""Yeah yeah sure how's that gonna help me get dates with the hot pyramid babe?" #Beastmaster

They're mah friends. Mah friends are animals, Ah make mah friends. Ah'm a genetic desahner. Mah name's Dar. #AlsoWrongMovie #Beastmaster

Oh I get it now thanks to his prenatal experience in a cow's uterus he gained MAGIC CATTLE POWERS to challenge evil! #Beastmaster

AND THEN SHE KICKS HIM BETWEEN THE TESTICLES BY THE SURLY BEARD OF MRIFK #Beastmaster

Oh right Kiera was 50' ahead of a party in metal armor so of course she had a 4 out of 6 chance of spotting the secret door. #Beastmaster

Pursued by a pack of undead luchadores! #Beastmaster

And look, the previous Lawful Evil regime left this useful moat of bubbling tar, perfect for repelling barbarian hordes! #Beastmaster

And they were saved at the last minute by horrifying evil creatures! See, THIS is why you don't have paladins in your party. #Beastmaster

And he leaves the kid a potentially lethal exotic weapon it takes years to properly learn, but also no instructions! #Beastmaster
brushwolf: Icon created by ScaperDeage on DeviantArt (Default)
Skipping to 1996. Clinton is President, there's only one disappointing Star Wars film, and Beastmaster III The Eye of Braxus is on TV. Hmmm!

We start with a bad guy getting younger by operating the TARDIS so right away we know we're in for a great ride. #BeastmasterIII #AnotherBM

and somewhere in there he got another ferret & a different cat & swapped swords it's like he's a completely different person. #BmastahIII

Only 6 minutes in and they've already swiped a line pretty much from Robocop. #BeatMasterIII

In the many years that transpired the brunette prince gained beautifully feathered blond hair & the big dude grew back his hair. #BMIII

Accept this heartfelt tribute of a Mechagodzilla action figure. #BeetmasterIII

Take this, the McGuffin of the ancients previously never mentioned in these movies. Keep it somewhere secret like between your pecs.#BLMIII

#Beastmaster was incredibly 80s, #BMIII is very Kevin Sorbo era fantasy. I'm pretty sure a 2013 BM would feature lots of CGI and explosions.

"I roll 30 to detect traps." "The strange beacon is trapped." "Cool. What happens if I hit it with a sword?" #BeastmaserIII

Leathermen with hopilite helmets and the Robe of Gustav Klimt are kind of a step down from undead luchadores to be honest. #BeastmasterIII

Lord Tal may not be telling us all he knows. It's time we demonstrate the full power of this battle station. Set course for Alderaan. #BMIII

"I thought the #Beastmaster didn't involve himself with the affairs of men." "Ya but I need 700 XP to level up so I hope they're hostile."

WHAT THE F*** HE'S USING THE CAT AS A CHICK MAGNET AGAIN WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM DUDE? #BeastmasterIII

"Listen.""What is it?""A drum circle. 'Tis the Hackey Sackers of Santakrooz. It is said that those who behold them get The Munchies." #BMIII

"Tell them we mean no harm.""The only words I know are 'how does one get to the train station' and 'Does anyone speak Frost Giant?" #BMIII

The lion has been captured by wild Hackey Sackers from the Santakrooz Mountains, who plan to eat him with peanut butter and kool whip.#BMIII

And then Braxus himself appeared and http://youtu.be/bojx9BDpJks was the only thing that came to mind. #BeastmasterIII

My response to the cheesy draco-turtle-demon costume isn't "wow that's cheesy" but "awesome costume, I'd love to see it at a con." #BMIII

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