(no subject)

[brushwolf]

Kelly was kind enough to lend me DVDs of The Matrix movies, partly because I'd never previously seen Matrix Revolutions. I have now seen Matrix Revolutions. At a certain point, this stops being a movie you watch because it's actually good, and you start watching it basically for closure; it's better than Matrix Reloaded but not as good as the first movie. And here's the commentary typed up while watching the movie...

I really like the way that The Matrix isn't this monolithically secure system - that you have AIs, too, hacking Matrix programs, and building themselves little subroutines. Okay, that's cool.

Then the plot goes limp for a while as Seraph, Morpheus and Trinity wind up in a Vampire the Masquerade game run by someone who has never in fact actually visited a club or a dungeon. Tell me that the Merovingian isn't a Ventrue and the Trainmaster isn't a Nosferatu. Dare ya.

Then The Oracle winds up being archtypical trickster. Bring about the end of this sad bullshit world so another one can take its place. But then the nemesis between Neo and Smith resurfaces, which is sauce so weak that it makes Heinz Ketchup taste like triple-alarm chipotle secret salsa.

Wait a moment. You have a human - you know, the same people demonstrated to have PTSD and Borderline - self-mutilating, as a survivor of some pretty incredible trauma, and it's some mystery how they self-mutilated?

CLUMSY LOOOOOVE SCENE! Cue the John Williams! Da DA da da da da, da duh duh duh duh dee dum! Wait. They're sending two people into this suicide mission? A good suicide mission needs more staff to make sure it gets close enough to be successfully suicidal.

Wait a moment. So uh, in all this time, none of the AIs have ever tried to figure out how to hijack a human construct and ride it into the desert of the real, but now somehow Smith's been able to successfully get through? I mean him being augmented by Neo or Oracle code is the only explanation but it still makes no sense. Also dude, we the audience figured out that was Smith and you gotta ask? Neo, you're like the dumbest Kwisatz Haderach we've had in a while.

Oh no! The Kwisatz Haderach has been blinded but can use his prescience to see beyond the physical world! I have never thought of that plot twist!

And now we have the cargo loaders under command of Master Tech Sergeant Testes McRedshirt with their brilliant plan to stand in big lines and fire twin linked SAWs at stuff that might have automatic weapons. A day in the Marine Corps is like a day on the farm! Every meal's a fortune! Every paycheck's a parade! Every formation's a banquet! AH LOVE THE CORPS!

Quickly, everybody get to the gun turrets. Here they come. Cue the John Williams. DUH duh duh DUH duh duh DUH duh duh duh duh! DUH DUH DUH DUH DUH DUH!

We're in the pipe, five by five! Remember, if they don't follow you after a mile they won't follow you!

MARINES! ACTIVATE HORNER CLANK! HORNER CLANK, SIR YES SIR! Duh duh duh DUH duh duh DUH!

You want some of this, huh? How 'bout this? DUH duh duh DUH duh duh DUH duh! I'm learning an important lesson from this movie; in the future, they have no HESH rounds, they just fire squad support level stuff at everything.

Uh, I still don't get what Vasquez and her nice girlfriend are doing in this movie. I do think they're cooler than Trinity. So's Niobe. Same for pretty much every other female character in this film. Y'know, why is it that nearly everyone female who's vaguely cool in these movies has died off? I always knew you were a bastard, Gorman.

Okay, so everything can pause for dramatic death speech, so I see this game is apparently GURPS. Master Tech Sergeant Testes McRedshirt never took the Kobayashi Maru test, what do you think of his solution? Ah, okay, so this is so Billy Corgan can save the day by blowing the gate with practically no resistence. Hey wait, did y'all just crash-land and take out Billy Corgan's mech? Darnit, no such luck. I am beginning to think that Billy Corgan is the most annoying character in this entire trilogy who's not Trinity.

Awwww, wait, so you mean cool dreadlock chick was straight and dating cool dreadlock dude all this time, she wasn't actually dating Vasquez? Bummer. Okay, damnit, in my version of this story cool dreadlock chick was polyamorous and dating cool dreadlock dude and Vasquez both.

I see the writers decided that Starship Troopers was 'way cooler than Neo's suicide mission or anything going on actually in the Matrix. What happened to those dudes anyway? Oh, okay, here they are.

After all this time, she still is totally in love with this guy she met in a chat room. That's sort of sweet, but the romance thing still is just not engaging me.

Okay, I think I know people who just came while watching this scene with the mechanical tentacles grabbing Neo.

Oh wait, climatic fight! May your knife chip and shatter! I will kill him! BOING BOING BOING BOING! Oh wow, a mid-air fight - is this the place where Neo blasts Smith through a rooftop water tank while the city changes shape under them? Cause I've seen that before. No, that doesn't happen. Instead we have the mud pit from The Dark Knight Returns. Oh god, and now Smith has to make some sort of "Ugh! I hate love! Nothing has meaning!" villain speech. Dramatic one-liner time...

Oh wow. Black goop all over the place. I think I know people who just came watching this scene.

And how can this be? For he is the Kwisatz Haderach!