Liveblogging movies

It's time for the 2011 #ConanTheBarbarian, and a coffee and a morning bun. 'Cause nothing says "long-ago era of barbarism" than a pastry.

I've read lots of Robert Howard and don't remember the Hyperborean Age having a single continent-spanning empire. This is a BAD sign. #Conan

Don't remember the born of emergency battlefield caesarian in Howard. I guess having dead mothers is very #Conan, like how it's very Disney.

#CONAN! From Q-Celtic root "conant," to stalk or hunt. You'd think she'd name the kid something more thematic to her tragic death. Retcon!

CIMMERIA! TUESDAY! ABOUT TEATIME! #Conan

Okay, now if my movie-honed senses are right, brutal raiders will show up at the village while the kids are running off in the hills. #Conan

For Father's Day he wants dear ol' Dad (Ron Perlman) to GET A HEAD! #MassiveCannedLaughter #Conan

Wait and after all this proud warrior whatever they're CASTING A BLADE? Wow, at some level that twigs me out. #Conan

Although I like that instead of the OH NOEZ BRUTAL RAIDERS ANNIHILATED PEACEFUL VILLAGERS the villagers are pretty good at warfare. #Conan

If I wanted to hide relics in a smithy I'd choose the heaviest chunk of tech. Let's see if I'm right about it being under the anvil. #Conan

Wow, I was wrong about that one, too.

For all it diverges from Howard, this version's #Conan is a lot more like Howard's version than Arnie.

SWEET PELOR'S LIGHT THEY JUST REFERENCED "THE TOWER OF THE ELEPHANT" #Pulpgasm #Conan

Okay the surreality of portaging a ship through a forest and then using it to stave in the monastery gate is kinda awesome. #Conan

I really wish movies would stop doing the reverse-the-sword-jam-into-opponent thing. That's too slow for a real fight. #Conan

OOOooh, taunting the villain so that he'll kill you and lose any chance of finding the Pure One. Classy NPC. #Conan

I also think it's cool that the villains are kind of this very messed up family who love each other in a gothy Neutral Evil fashion. #Conan

Okay, the sand-ghouls are awesome and I want to run a scaffolding fight if I ever get to run 4e. #Conan

I like the bad guy's completely stupid unbalanced double-scimitar too. Very 80s. #Conan

Uh barbarians don't keep slaves? You know like the Aesir and Vanir who don't show up in this version of Hyperborea. #Conan

Oh wow. Shipboard pirate fight AND a khopesh. I don't want to utterly love this movie, but it's sure looking that way. #Conan

DIRECT HOWARD QUOTE AT ABOUT 1:15 THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN THE 80s VERSION WITH ARNIE. #Conan

Instead of having the climatic sacrifice in a dramatically high room in their castle they haul the heroine offsite. Unexpected; cool. #Conan

Cave shaped like a skull with a waterfall from the mouth SO 80S #Conan

Villain fight on torture wheel precariously balanced 200+ feet (20d6 damage) above a lava river. Dude. DUDE. #Conan

And there's like skulls all over the place. Don't weird catacombs & evil temples ever have just a ton of longbones or costae hanging around?

Collapsing dungeon, popular with GMs who want the PCs to accomplish story aims /avoid describing every room where they look for gold. #Conan

Wow. I didn't expect to like the 2011 #Conan - it's not a must-have favorite, but definitely a "buy an on sale copy" movie.